My first birth story, 2010

Okay, this is really, really long but I'm not going to feel weird about that because I benefited immensely from the most detailed positive birth stories I read during my pregnancy and I'm here to give back.  :)  I made the last paragraph a summary, if you want to skip down to the bottom. 

I am a first time Mom. My EDD was July 7th. I started my Hypnobabies homestudy course in March and took my time with it – taking two or sometimes 3 weeks per class.  My husband was totally on board from the start.  Shout out to the Hypnosis for Childbirth group at BabyCenter.com!!  You guys are seriously the most supportive women anywhere on the web.  Thank you for everything you gave me. 

Wednesday, July 14th – one week “past due”. I've been having “practice contractions” for 6 days but my cervix isn't moving. We go for a scheduled appointment at the Doctor's office. Monitor tracings look great, steady pressure waves but still no dilation, fluid looks low. The Doctor wants us to go to the hospital to have the fluid checked on the better sono machine there. She says that if they see less than 5ml of fluid, then we need to start moving things along. For 9 months, she was all about how interventions are rarely necessary – as long as the mother and baby are healthy, there's no reason to interfere – so this sudden “eviction notice” mentality catches us a bit off guard. Her concern is that if the fluid is too low for the cord to float, then the chances of the cord being compressed during labor are high, and if it goes for too much longer, the chances of my having to have a C-section will be increased significantly. With that in mind, if the fluid is too low, she wants to administer Cervidil to jumpstart the dilation. If that doesn't work, we'll reevaluate – maybe we can do it again, or strip my membranes, we can decide if that happens. My husband and I pretty much hear this as “here it is, the first in the long chain of interventions” and I feel a little like I'm losing control of the situation. We have a good, candid discussion with the doctor and, though I'm really nervous about the Cervidil, I do see her logic.  Also, she says that she would administer the Cervadil – nobody else would give it to me – and that, though I will have to lie down for the first 2 hours after they give it to me, after that, it will be another 10 hours before we know if it did anything or not. (Somehow, in my head, I interpret this to mean that she'll administer it at the office and then I'll be able to go home.)  We leave the office and we're kind of reeling. The doctor had suggested that we take our time getting to the hospital - get something to eat but I wasn't actually hungry. “Do we eat? What do we eat? But I'm not hungry. Should we eat?” This was all I could think about. In retrospect, I wish that we had taken 5 minutes at this point to relax, refocus on some positive energy and strengthen our BOP. In the end, we went straight to our apartment where we rushed around in a quiet frenzy. I got some pliers and removed my belly button ring (for the first time in 17 years!) while my husband threw the last items into our hospital bags. We went to the neighborhood supermarket and grabbed some random food and ate it sitting in our parked car on the street. I looked up Cervidil on my phone – it was just what the Doctor said but it was also described as a gateway intervention, if you will.  Suddenly, Pitocin, something I really never thought I would be worrying about, seemed like it was looming large. We did a good job reminding ourselves that nobody was talking about Pitocin at this point but I don't think I was really employing my HB tools. I called our doula and let her know what was going on. She agrees that the Doctor's logic sounds reasonable but she also says she hasn't seen too many instances of cervidil kickstarting labor on it's own. In her experience, Pitocin usually comes next.

**BOP** Sure enough, the fluid was way low. The hospital is a teaching hospital and before you know it, there are 5 residents with us in the tiny triage room looking at the sonogram talking about how they're going to have to get me on a pitocin drip and someone will be in with the admitting papers in a minute. They were so insensitive. I lose it. I'm crying. This feels completely out of control. I tell them to get my doctor on the phone, I'm not doing anything until I talk to her. It was kind of interesting how much this freaked the residents out. They really didn't know what to do with me. They got my doc on the phone. She said “this is what we talked about – the fluid is too low. They're going to admit you and get you on a monitor. When I get there I will administer the Cervadil. Nobody's giving you pitocin.” This feels a little better, but now we have this awkward scenario with the residents who seem terrified of me. Nobody says another word about admitting me, they leave us alone completely. In retrospect, my husband feels this would have been a good time for the “change of plans” script. **end BOP** Then this woman came in to the triage room, I think she worked in admissions on some other floor but they sent her down to deal with us. (I just asked my husband who she was and he said she was the “crazy lady whisperer.”) Anyway, she was very empathetic and kind and got us setup in a room in L&D with a big window that looked out on the tops of some trees and New York Harbor. I put on the hospital gown and my husband went down to the car to get our bags. I turned off some of the lights, put my headphones in and settled down on a birth ball with my head and arms on the bed. I stayed with my switch off like that for a minute or two until I felt completely relaxed and centered and then switched to center and sat up. I was listening to music and looking out the window. The sun was starting to set and the wind was blowing the trees around so it was a fantastic meditative view. I just hung out that way for some time, relaxing. An anesthesiologist came in to see if I needed anything. I cheerfully said that I didn't but that I'd be sure to send for her if I changed my mind and she left. When my husband came back, I got changed into my own delivery gown ($22, Pretty Pushers – so worth it!) and went back to the ball. It was hours before anyone came back with admitting papers. At 9pm they came to get me on the IV. I had requested a HepLock which they were fine with. I used my lightswitch when the nurse came to put it in.

Around 11pm the Dr came and put in the Cervadil and I stayed in bed for the next two hours. They offered me an Ambien “Get the sleep while you can – you'll have a long day tomorrow” which I took but in the end it was a waste of time. Why do they insist on waking you up for SOMETHING once an hour in the hospital? The doula called at 5am to check on us. I said I felt crampy but I was doing ok but by 6:30am, I texted her that I was ready for her to come in. I was starting to feel very strong pressure in my back and, though the hypnosis was helping take the edge off it, I needed more ideas for relief – new positions, something. She said she'd be there within the hour. I moved myself down to the birth ball and my husband got out the speakers and put on some music. After this I lose all track of time. The doula arrived and started to apply pressure to my back with each pressure wave which gave me tremendous relief. She showed my husband how to do the same so they could take turns. The nurses on staff at the hospital were really great. We never gave out our birth plan to anyone and though we mentioned it to the first nurse we met the night before, we didn't have to tell anyone that we were doing hypnosis, they just seemed to roll with it. Nobody ever asked me about my “pain level” or anything like that. I was GBS+ and still had the Cervidil in so I needed to be tethered to either the IV or the monitors pretty consistently. However, they totally worked with us on it. Whenever a bag of antibiotics would finish, they would let me go monitor and IV free for a predetermined amount of time, which I really appreciated. On one of those breaks, the doula and I took a walk in the halls which was a nice change of pace.

Around 11am, the Doctor came through. Bizarrely, she had a camera crew following her around all day for a teen news show. She wanted to know if it was okay for them to come in and film us. We were fine with it, so they came in and talked to us all while I hung out on the birthball. It seemed like the pressure waves even let up for a few cycles while they were in there. I remember telling them that we were doing hypnosis but not feeling very articulate and wishing I could do the process some justice for the camera! A few minutes later, the doc came back without the film crew to take out the Cervidil and check me – I was at 3cm and fully effaced! The Cervidil did exactly what it was supposed to do! We were all thrilled. The doc said my tracings still looked perfect so she had no problem letting things progress naturally, she'd be back later on to check in on us.

We continued on the birth ball for a few more hours. HB was keeping me so calm and focused, I was starting to feel very much in my own world. The pressure in my back (back labor) was super intense but I wouldn't call it pain. With each wave, I would say “pressure” and the Doula would apply strong counter pressure to my back while my husband put his hand on my shoulder and gave me the peace or relax cue. This made things completely manageable for me. They did this for hours, they are my heroes. It was somewhere in this time that the Doula pointed out to me that if I'm struck by the intensity of the wave then it's most likely at it's peak, which doesn't last too long. So, when I'm struck by the intensity of it, I could focus on the fact that it's only going to lessen in intensity from that point on. I found this really helped me to stay limp through each wave.

At some point, the Doula suggested that we move to the shower for the next IV/monitor break. I was very ambivalent about it – all I could think about was that I'd be cold when I got out – but she promised me it would be worth it. She was so right. The hot water felt incredible. I found a position I could turn my light switch off in and go limp while staying upright. With each wave, the Doula continued to apply pressure to my low back while my husband sprayed hot water on my upper back. We were in there for at least an hour. I had this one strange moment of clarity while we were in there. For the last few hours, I had been in such deep focus that, even though I would say stuff and be present between waves, I was never really looking at anyone. I think I mostly had my eyes shut. Anyway, at one point, I looked over and saw my husband with the shower sprayer and sort of really SAW him for the first time in hours. I looked over at the Doula and then asked them if they were bored. They both cracked up and said no. My husband said “giving birth is the most amazing thing that happens on this earth and we're watching it happen right now. It's awesome!” It was tough to get out of the shower but eventually I did it.

Things intensified soon after that. I'm not sure exactly when we noticed, but my water had broken and was coming out in a slow trickle. I was starting to vocalize in a low moan during waves. I was going deeper and deeper into hypnosis at that point. We were also developing a strange problem with the monitoring. As the baby moved lower, and I sat on the ball, leaning onto the bed, the monitor started picking up my heart rate instead of the baby's. Thanks to HB, I was totally in my own little world and yet totally understood what was going on and was aware enough to be able to work with the nurse to try and find a position that wouldn't screw up the monitoring. She let us know that she'd informed my doctor about my progress and that the doctor would be in to check me soon. Now, this is my favorite HB moment: Minutes later, some number of residents charged into the room demanding that I get on the bed immediately so they could check me. I didn't open my eyes, I didn't pick my head up. I just said “No.” They proceeded to tell me that this was an emergency, that the baby's heart rate had dropped significantly (not true) and my water had broken so they were concerned that I had a prolapsed cord. What?! In the meantime, the baby's heartrate was picking up fine on the monitor and looked beautiful. I was so calm and centered. I never even looked at them. I told them I was fine and that my doctor would be there soon to check me and I didn't see the point in having them check me first. They told me that the doctor had just been paged and who knew when she would be there, this was an emergency, we couldn't wait. I told them to go talk to the nurse, they weren't checking me. I think I had to say that two or three times. My husband and Doula handled them from there. It was so awesome. I was completely relaxed. They didn't rile me up at all. I never even opened my eyes. There was simply no way they were checking me. (My husband went out for ice chips soon after and saw them all getting reprimanded by the head nurse for bothering us.) The doc came and checked me and I was at 8 cm.

Next was what I call pushing part one. I was squatting on the bed leaning over the back of it. I would kneel between waves and get back in the squat when I felt another wave coming. I think at this point I was really more pushY than I was pushING but I dont think I knew that at the time. I had no idea what pushing would feel like. Maybe that was transition?  There wasn't more discomfort but there was more frustration or boredom. Like I was totally ready to take a break for half an hour and watch some tv. The Doctor came in and tried to get me to lay on my back but it was so uncomfortable (baby was posterior) so she let me go back to the squatting and left. The head nurse at the time was British and a former Midwife. I remember her staying in the room after the Doctor left and sort of observing, and asking my Doula and husband about what was and wasn't working for me. I wasn't really paying attention, I was so focused at this point and my husband was feeding me cues constantly, but I had this gnawing feeling that she and the doctor were second guessing me/us. I reminded myself that my support team were there to get my back. I trusted them completely and it was my job to just stay relaxed and birth my baby. Eventually, the Doctor came back and tried to get me to lie on my back again but I fought it. I heard the head nurse/midwife trying to talk my doctor into letting me push on my side. The next thing I knew my husband and Doula were telling me I needed to get down on the bed on my side. It was totally comfortable. The midwife seemed to be directing things while my Doctor sat to the side at the foot of the bed and watched. At the time, this confused me. After a few pushes, my Doctor said that I wasn't quite doing it right, that I would exhaust myself, and she described how I should do it. It sounded kind of like purple pushing to me but I looked at my Doula and she nodded so I tried it. After a few more pushes, I got the hang of it and it did feel better. Everyone was very encouraging and only wanted me to push when I felt the urge, letting me rest and take ice chips as needed.  Once they could see the head, they had me roll over onto my back. There was some discussion about it first – I was ambivalent but I guess the baby was low enough to be out of my back at that point so it was actually completely comfortable (as was the pushing itself). Pushing on my back seemed really productive. Everyone was getting very excited and cheering me on with every push. **BOP** There was a lot of “four more pushes and you're there” and “one more just like that” but it just kept going and going. My husband told me later that the head just wasn't coming out beyond a certain point. He counted 13 times that I pushed it out and it went back in. He was considering asking how long this was going to go on for before we had to try something else when the Doctor said that she had to do an episiotomy - the head simply could not come through. I was so disappointed. This was the only part of the whole experience that I found painful. She gave me the shot for the local but then I felt the cuts anyway. I think if I had asked her to wait a minute for me to turn off my light switch and focus some hypnoanesthesia down there, I may have been fine but I was so distracted by my disappointment in having to be cut at all that I lost focus. **end BOP**. I think there was one more push and he slipped right out. I hardly even knew what was happening, it was so fast. I remember saying something like “what's happening?” and the Doula said “Look! Look what she's doing!” and I looked down and saw the doctor's hands coming up with the baby. It was 11:53pm. Our son went right on my chest. He had a ton of hair and almost immediately he gripped my fingers tightly and, it felt like, looked right into my eyes. He was instantly a little person to me. The placenta came out soon after and it was perfect. No calcifications or other signs of wear and tear. The doctor said she was amazed it could look so perfect at 41 weeks and 1 day.   

The next day in the hospital, the Doctor came by to sit down and discuss the birth with us. I don't know if this is something she always does but it was a really nice moment. She kept talking about what a beautiful birth it was. Apparently, unbeknownst to me and my closed eyes, she had been sneaking into the room on and off all evening. Quietly coming in, and sitting down off to the side. (My husband said he assumed she was just checking in on us). She said that she had been having a crazy day with several surgeries, the camera crew and a few patients in labor. She was loving the peaceful energy in our room – the music, the dim lights – and whenever she got a chance, she was sneaking in to enjoy some of it herself! She felt that the hypnosis had been a valuable tool in keeping me so calm, positive and strong. She said that she was very disappointed that she had to cut me - “You were having such a beautiful, natural child birth” - but that it was truly necessary. Both the doctor and the doula said to me separately that if I had another 7 or 8 hours to push, I may have stretched or torn enough for him to come out on his own but I just didn't have that kind of time in a hospital.

In Summary:  Hypnobabies was definitely one of the best decisions I made in my pregnancy. It was a tremendous help not only in labor but the many months leading up to it. As I was pregnant at the beginning of a very hot summer, I heard a lot of “oh you must feel so miserable” or “I bet you can't wait to get that thing out of you”, but I never felt that way at all – I really enjoyed being pregnant. I wondered how much the Hypnobabies mindset had to do with that. Also, I never feared birthing once I started the homestudy course. I felt really confident about it and looked forward to it as a challenge or an adventure. During the birth, I was so calm and relaxed. I never lashed out at anyone like all the naysayers told me I would. I didn't once think about asking for the drugs. “I can't do this” never crossed my mind. My husband said, after the fact, that he had been preparing himself to “talk me down” when I freaked out – to tell me that I could do it, that I'd been preparing for 5 months, etc – but that he never had to.  As for script listening, I started listening to thebirthing day affirmations and come out baby when I=I started having practice waves 6 days before his birth.  We listened to early birth stage(?), the birth day affirmations and maybe a few others on and off in the hospital but mostly we listened to music.  I know pushing baby out was on when I was pushing because I remember one of the nurses asking what it was when it was all over.  (She thought it was great.)  I do think it's really interesting to note that, when doing the visualization script, I always found it impossible to visualize the start of my labor and laboring at home. I don't know if I somehow knew they wouldn't happen or if it happened that way because I made it so by being unable to visualize it. Although we never shared it with anyone at the hospital, I was glad that we had taken the time to put together our birth preferences sheet. It was a good exercise for my husband and I to think through what we did and didn't want and it was an invaluable tool for communicating what we wanted, in writing, to our doctor. I should say that our doc encouraged us to write it and, once we had, she reread it in front of us at each monthly appointment. Our doctor really was amazing and we were so lucky to have her. She was patient with our process – pushing us when she felt it was necessary for my health and the baby's but open to the ideas of others. I think we all learned something new along the way.